“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” -Sam Keen

Life, Relationships

Ahh, love. Something we all want, but absolutely no one understands. I don’t care who you are, you could be a self-proclaimed, all-knowing, love guru, but you still don’t have this thing figured out. The most caring and sentimental emotion in our everyday lives is more than likely the most destructive and confusing as well. The funny thing about love is, well, everything.

Before I launch too far into this post, I just want to get something straight. I absolutely DO NOT have love figured out. Love has been one of the most difficult parts of my life as a matter of fact. But, I have been in a few love situations and I think I can offer some insight as to what this quote is trying to tell us.

For me, the first point that this quote is making is that you shouldn’t stress too much over finding someone who is one hundred percent compatible with you. To do such a thing is, more than likely, a colossal waste of time. After all, nobody’s perfect. So, don’t scour the earth in search of some fair maiden (or prince) who you think is your perfect match. Instead, find someone who simply feels right to you. It doesn’t matter if they’re tall, short, fat, skinny, funny, or boring. All that matters is that they feel like a good match. In my opinion, going with your gut is a big step in the right direction concerning this whole love mess.

One of the hardest things to do in life in general, let alone in your love life, is to trust yourself. You hear people say it all the time: “Go with your gut”, or “Trust your instincts”. Well, even though you’ve heard those phrases a billion times, I’m gonna tell you once more. Just trust yourself! No one knows you better than you. So when you find someone who feels like a good fit, just go with it! There’s no harm in testing the waters. After all, whats the worst that could happen? You hang out a few times, and it doesn’t work. Big deal. You step back, and give it another go. Don’t pass on something that feels like it could be really great. As one of my favorite lyrical kwotes says, “If you never try, you’ll never know” (that’s Coldplay, for anyone who was in the dark).

The second thing that this quote is saying is that everyone has small, or maybe even big, characteristics or qualities that make them imperfect. It’s unavoidable. But, the funny thing about a person that you love is that you may start to admire them for their imperfections. The way they talk, or do certain things, the kwirks they have that make them who they are. You may be surprised at the qualities of a person that you fall in love with. Some of those qualities may be ones that you would never even consider associating yourself with. Maybe those are even qualities that you once viewed as nasty character flaws. When you’re in love, you may find yourself thinking in a lot of ways in which you never have thought before. That’s because, well, it’s love.

I’ll put it to you plain and simple. You’re never going to admire a perfect person. Why? Because perfect people don’t exist. But, what you can do is find someone good for you, someone who is, yes, imperfect. You can admire them for everything that they are, imperfections and all, and you can be happy with the fact that you have found something that very few people really and truly find.

So, again, don’t shoot for a perfect ten. Instead, find about a 7 or an 8 who laughs at your jokes and who you can actually carry on a conversation with. Clearly kidding, but I think you catch my drift.

End Kwote

5 thoughts on ““You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” -Sam Keen

  1. I love the comment, and I think you highlight the real problem. We don’t know what we really want. We think we want something, find it, and it turns out not to be what we want.

    Now that people choose relationships for love, we seem to put many more demands on those relationships. We look for someone to fill every desire in our life. But that is not realistic for most people, so friends and family are also important for filling those roles. So what do we really want from our relationships, and how do we maintain satisfaction with that relationship?

    1. Anne,

      Great comment, and I’m very happy that you enjoyed the post. You pose an interesting question about our desires in relationships.

      So, what do we really want out of our relationships? There are a few key things that, at least for me, answer this question. First is comfort. You have to be able to let your guard down around a person that you love. If you can’t be anything but yourself when your with someone, then chances are you don’t really and truly love that person. Being in a good relationship means that you can relax and not care so much about appearances or impressions. If you’ve been in a good relationship then you may know what I mean. People who love each other often say or do things that may seem completely weird or odd to an outsider. That’s because they’re completely comfortable with each other and their ok with being themselves. So comfort is a big one for me.

      Second, and probably the most important, is enjoyment. You have to be able to have fun in a relationship. Otherwise, well, its just no fun. You should be able to laugh and smile when you’re around a loved one, and you should be able to make that loved one laugh and smile. Relationships should bring us happiness. A relationship that doesn’t result in happiness should either be reconstructed, or not exist at all. So, when evaluating a relationship, ask yourself, “Is this going to make me happy?” If the answer is yes, then you’re on the right track. But, if its no, then you should think things over a bit. Happiness and enjoyment are key.

      Now, are comfort and enjoyment the only variables in the love equation? No. These are just a few of the key componenets that I believe constitute a good relationship. There are many others that should be considered as well, but there are way too many to count and every person will tell you something a little bit different. For me, these are a good start.

      Your second question is how do we maintain satisfaction with our relationships. Well, this is a tough one. To answer this, I’ll refer to something I said in my original post. Trust your gut. Enter into relationships that feel right to you. You’ll greatly increase your chances of maintaining satisfactory relationships if you chose to enter relationships that feel good to you from the start. So, avoid anything that feels rushed or not comfortable in some way. As a wise man once told me, if you start in a whole, you’re gonna have to dig yourself out. The answer to your question is to chose relationships that your instincts tell you are good. After that step, the methods of maintaining satisfaction are too many to count. This is something that needs to be felt out during a relationship, and absolutely varies from person to person.

      I hope I helped to answer your questions. And please read on and let me know what you think! Your comments are very much appreciated.

      1. I wonder if comfort and fun are causes of a good relationship, or side effects from a good relationship. To me, they are signs of a relationship that is a good fit at the time. But I suppose that answer in itself is the root of my challenges.

        I also think trusting your gut can be rewarding.

        1. Anne,

          I think that you’re correct. The side effects that we desire from relationships certainly include enjoyment and comfort. To find find what causes good relationships may not even be possible. Lots of things cause relationships, both good and bad. What matters is the outcome of those relationships.

          Trusting your gut is definitely rewarding! Like I said, no one knows you more than you. Our instincts are right about a lot more then we give them credit for. You’re spot on with both of your remarks.

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