Dear Arch Nemesis,
I’m writing you this letter so I can get out all the stuff that I wish I could say to your face. Yeah, I don’t have cahones to actually say any of this stuff, but I figure this will feel almost as good. So, here goes.
First, you’re a liar. I can’t believe anything you say because, well, I’m pretty sure you’ve never spoken a truthful word in your entire life. If you had to tell the truth to do something incredibly heroic, like save one of the millions of kittens that get stuck in trees, I can say with 110% certainty that you wouldn’t. I would bet that if Abe Lincoln ever met you, he would punch you square in the nose. Everything you told me was a giant diversion, a big, ugly disguise so that I couldn’t see what you were really like, who you really were. You fooled me and that’s something that I will neither forgive, nor forget. No matter how much you try to hide behind the stuff that you’ve clearly made up, I’m always going to see you for the nasty, grotesque, creature that you clearly are (I’m picturing the spawn of the Jeepers Creepers thing and Jabba the Hutt).
In addition to being as honest as a used car salesman, you suck. Yeah I know that’s a pretty broad term, but I’m using it on purpose because it doesn’t run the risk of missing any of the shitty things that could describe you (I really don’t have time to list everything). In general, you’re a terrible person. The worst, I’d say. There should be a chapter about you in an ethics textbook as an example of what not to be. Parents should tell their kids to do the exact opposite of everything that you do. There should be clubs that are anti-you. Activists should host rallies protesting you. Laws should be made against acting like you. There should be a national holiday dedicated to acting the opposite of you. Basically, everything you do sucks.
What I’m trying to say is I hate you. Yes, I actually, truly hate you. I don’t care if The Plain White T’s say it’s a strong word, because I really, really, really hate you. There’s no amount of annoyances, idiots, or bullshit that could overthrow the asshole throne on which you sit. Seriously, nothing could beat you. I made an entire list of the most annoying things in the world, the things that I hate more than anything, but you’re still the champ. So congratulations on being the object of all of my anger, disgust, rage, and of course, hatred.
Lastly, and maybe surprisingly, thank you. Thank you for giving me the best motivation that anyone could ever hope for. Better than any coach or motivational speaker could ever give. Everything that you’ve done has pushed me to be better. Better than you. When I think of you, I work harder, I push myself farther, and I strive to be better than you in every possible way. You make it easy for me to keep going. If I ever feel like quitting, if I ever feel like stopping, all I have to tell myself is that I’m going to beat you. I’m going to beat you at life and all of the games that are a part of it if I keep moving forward. So again, I thank you.
I hope that you’ll read this letter and realize why you’re my arch nemesis. Maybe doing so will open your eyes to who you really are and help you change your evil ways…
…probably not though…
Sincerely Your Not Friend,