I Will Smite Thee!!

Humorous, Life

“There’s not enough smiting going on in the world today.” -Professor Vecchio

I was in class today, one of my writing courses, and we were editing what was definitely the worst letter-to-the-editor that I’ve ever seen. Just to give you a sense of what I’m talking about, the word “degradiation” was employed in this fine letter. “Degradiation” isn’t a word in any language that I know, and I know quite a few. At least seven, actually…

…that’s a complete lie. I only speak English…sorry..

Anywho, our professor, Professor Vecchio, was ripping apart this writing blunder when he said, “If the author of this letter were in the room right now, I would smite him.” Then, the professor stopped, thought for a few seconds, then delivered today’s fine kwote: “There’s not enough smiting going on in the world today.”

What ever happened to smiting? You know, God charring some poor sap to a crisp with a flurry of white-hot lightning bolts? Some sinner being crumpled under God’s massive fist? You just don’t see that anymore. Ever since that whole New Testament thing we’ve been loving our neighbor, doing unto others as we would have them do unto us, and all that gobbledygook (gobbledygook, to my surprise, is actually a real word). It’s a shame, a damn shame.

Well, I’ve had just about enough. Smiting has been absent from our lives for far too long. There’s not person in this wide world of ours that doesn’t enjoy a good smite.

And that’s why I’m initiating the pro-smite movement.

How many times in your daily life do you encounter someone who really makes your blood boil, who really pisses you off, who makes you want to break expensive electronic equipment, who makes you want to commit a felony, who makes you want to give kids those little boxes of raisins for Halloween? If you’re at all like me, then these dudes and dudettes pop up pretty frequently on your radar. We would rather that they didn’t, but hey, that’s life.

However, smiting could remedy our people problems. These guys and gals – the ones we would rather lay on a bed of nails then interact with – would be smitten. Or maybe it’s smited. Smote?

Doesn’t matter. Bottom line, they’d be zapped with a lightning bolt straight from God’s majestic pointer finger. These individuals, smitees, if you will, would simply disappear. Well, they’d be electrocuted, maybe catch on fire or something. What happens post-smite is pretty much irrelevant, as long as the smiting occurs.

Think about it. How awesome would if be if you could smite those jerks, those fools, those hooligans that clearly need a good smiting? It would be very awesome. Very awesome indeed…

Kid who thinks he knows all the answers in Italian class but definitely doesn’t. Smite. Professor who gives huge assignment over the weekend. Smite. Kid who listens to his music at maximum volume. Smite. Guy who never stops at a cross walk. Smite. People who think low-riding your jeans is still ok. Smite. People who walk like they’re stuck in a giant tar pit. Smite. People who talk about themselves more than they blink. Smite. Anyone who uses the phrase “Sorry not sorry.” Smite. People who don’t think The Big Lebowksi is an artistic masterpiece. Smite. Girls who wear so much perfume that the stench hits you in the face harder than a prize-fighter. Smite. Idiots. Smite Know-it-alls. Smite. Douchebags. Smite. Oprah. Double-smite. Anyone who wears sequins. Triple-smite. And last, but not least, assholes. SMITE.

See? Smiting’s a damn good time. You should give it a whirl. I promise, you’ll feel better after.

The point is that smiting, aside from being an enjoyable pastime, could serve a useful purpose in today’s society: removing the dirt-bags that we really don’t want to deal with. Smiting worked before, who’s to say that it couldn’t work again?

So, I’m launching an aggressive pro-smite campaign. If you see billboards, commercials, or signs in your yard, don’t be alarmed. That’s just me, trying to improve the lives of my fellow humans.

What are your opinions on smiting? Are you pro-smite? Anti-smite?

Let me know your thoughts and ideas. I’m interested to hear.

End Smite

And thanks to Professor Vecchio for providing the inspiration for today’s post

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