Mustached Men are More Successful



Well, being Movember and all I thought I’d clue all my blogging pals in on a little something that I dug up. You can probably tell from the title of this post just what I’m talking about. Before you write it off, just hear me out. I didn’t make this up. I couldn’t make this up. There are statistics and quotes to back up everything I’m gonna say. All of these claims are found in science or taken from a reputable source. So bare with me, and find out why guys with mustaches are destined to be far more successful – and sub sequentially far more happy – than non-mustached men.

First, and obviously most importantly, dudes with mustaches make more money. Mustached men make 8.2% more than guys with beards and 4.3% more than guys that are clean-shaven. Clearly, guys with mustaches are dominating the workplace. I guess it’s not a huge surprise, considering that a mustache is basically a sign of distinguished glory and infinite wisdom, but it’s nice to have the statistics to back it up. Not only do men with mos make more money, but they also do better in job interviews. I can’t be certain, but when a man lists his mustache as his best character trait, his chances of being hired increase by about 67%.

The statistics listed in the previous paragraph come from a study performed by the American Mustache Institute (AMI). And no, the American Mustache Institute is not made up. It’s a very real, and very reputable institution. I wouldn’t dare to cast mustached men in a false light. I have absolutely no bias, and no reason to try to make guys with mustaches look better.

Now, back to the facts.

It’s been proven that men with mustaches are better at sports than men without them. Yeah, it’s true. You wana know how I’m so sure? Two words. Hulk. Hogan.

"My mustache is comin for you brotherrrr"

“My mustache is comin for you brotherrrr”

All kidding aside (and I’m not kidding at all) guys with mustaches have been proven to be more athletic than those without them. During a study performed at a hospital located near AMI’s headquarters, guys with mustaches posted lower resting pulse rates, ran a mile faster, had higher verticals, performed better in push-up and sit-up tests, and recorded better scores in lateral movement exercises.

It was also reported that in a game of three on three, Team Mustache outscored Team Nostache 102-23. Members of Team Mustache scored at will and viciously swatted nearly every shot thrown up by Team Nostache. In addition to various dunks, the mustached ballers even executed the all-hailed, highly exalted, ground-shaking alley oop.

One of the members of Team Mustache was asked to summarize the game in one word. His answer was simple, yet chilling. He said, “Slaughter.”

Mustached men were also far superior bowlers than non-mustached men.

Of course, the most obvious area of mustache superiority is with the ladies. In an unofficial survey, women preferred men with mustaches over men without 100% of the time. One woman even said that she “exclusively dates” mustached bros. Coincidence? Absolutely not.

Again, it’s not exactly a surprise why women prefer dudes with staches. General good looks improve by an average of 53.429% with the addition of a mustache, according to a representative from an institute. I would dare you to argue with those statistics, but they’re statistics, so they have to be true. Them’s the facts.

So basically, men with mustaches are all around more successful than men without mustaches. With the rock-solid, scientific, foolproof evidence that I’ve given you, I think that’s clear.

Guys with mustaches, congratulations. Guys without, get growin.

End Kwote


If you believed any bit of this, then you probably don’t have a mustache, because mustached men are also smarter than non-mustached men.

And if you believed that, then you’re the most gullible human being to ever walk the earth.

Surprise. None of this is true. I made it all up. Well, the American Mustache Institute does exist. But I think it’s a joke.

Now I’m done.

Seriously End Kwote

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