Dear Saint Nick (if that is your real name),
I’m writing you this letter to tell you what I want, no, what I need for Christmas. It’s imperative that you deliver my requests to my home no later than 12:03 a.m. on December 25th. Failure to do so will result in serious trouble for one or more of your prized reindeer.
(hint, hint, Luca Brazi won’t be the only one sleeping with the fishes)
I’ve been a good boy this year, so I don’t see why I wouldn’t get what I’m asking you for. And none of this is really too hard to acquire, so I’m sure you and your mystical elves can conjure up my requests.
So, here’s my Christmas list for this year:
1. 51 boxes of lemonheads. Because who doesn’t enjoy these tangy treats. What’s that? Why 51 boxes? You needn’t know, fat man…
2. A 50 gallon drum of green tea For the antioxidants, of course.
3. A new computer. For funsies
4. My two front teeth. Because I look like a damned fool without them
5. A tank full of adamantium. To reinforce my bones and become indestructible. That way I can develop my parkour skills without fear of shattering my bones to bits
6. 1 Corndog. To fill my yearly quota
7. A bajillion dollars. To satisfy my monetary needs for the month of December
8. Google. Because we all know that Google is extremely close to world domination. You will deliver me Google, Claus, or Rudolph’s nose will cease to be so bright
9. Amy Adams. I’ve had my eye on her for a while
10. A hoveround. Because of its endless entertainment value.
And if you don’t know what a hoveround is, it’s one of these
11. SpongeBob’s Inflatable Muscle Arms TO GET HUGEE
12. A Pomeranian-husky Because they’re horrifically cute
13. A teepee. For impenetrable shelter
14. A magnifying glass So I can look at random things and shout “Great Scott!!” as if I’ve just made a groundbreaking discovery
15. A chocolate fountain. So I can experiment with different chocolate-covered foods. Like ham, and zucchini
16. One of those kid cars. Because I never had one as a child and I’m still suffering from the mental scars
17. A kazoo To annoy the existence out of anyone I please
18. This Swiss Army Knife To build a house
19. Frederick Nietzsche’s Mustache For manliness
20. Your Santa Suit So I have proof that you are indeed a real person. And it’s funny picturing you arse naked, operating a reindeer-driven sleigh around the entire world.
Well, there it is. Like I said, it’s not too much to ask. Just a few trinkets and gadgets. I don’t think you should have any problems getting my gifts.
At least I hope you don’t…
…cause if you don’t deliver the goods…
…Hermey the elf-dentist will get a taste of his own medicine…
Give me my presents, fat man, or suffer the consequences.