I Wondered What Life Was


I was sitting on a curb in an empty parking lot smoking cigarettes and wondering what life was. I had no idea what else to do. It just seemed right. I felt like I was in a movie, like there should have been melancholy music floating in the background. It’s ironic, though. I felt like I had to suck in dirty, life-threatening smoke to understand life’s meaning. I had to lose a few minutes to make sense of it all.

My stress was because of a girl as it usually seems to be. I just met her, and she seemed incredible. It was all going so well, and I thought that maybe I finally caught a break. That’s a fulfilling feeling. The feeling that you’ve found someone. I felt that. And I was happy.

But I went for a walk that night. And I saw her with another guy. And that feeling was pulled out of me like the smoke out of my lungs. Slowly. Deflating.

So I sat on a curb in an empty parking lot, smoked cigarettes, and wondered what life was. The air was thin and cool. Delicate, almost. The sky was empty except for a few stars. A storybook night by many accounts. A night perfect for holding hands until it was too dark to see. A night perfect for talking about bullshit but enjoying the sound of sincere voices. A night perfect for doing nothing important but doing it with someone important.

The only light I had was from street lights overhead and the faint orange glow in front of my mouth. I sat there, gravel under my feet, staring at nothing in particular. Smoke disappeared from the end of my fingers into the air.

But as I sat, something caught my eye. A dull brown object moved in the distance. I couldn’t make it out through the grey night, but it was there. Moving towards me.

Methodically, it crept closer into view, closer the the curb where I sat and wondered what I was doing, why I was doing it, and if it even mattered. Deliberately, it walked towards me, into my sight, where it was clearer than any thought I could have had or any idea that I could have created. Gently, meandering on the pavement as if it were tip-toeing, approaching me.

I was all alone in that parking lot. There were no cars. There were no people.

But as this thing approached, that feeling left me, too.

Completely alone on this crisp night, sitting in an empty parking lot, smoking cigarettes and wondering what life was, I saw a single deer.

I watched silently as the doe, head down, progressed on the pavement. We were ignorant of each other for a while. But it didn’t take long for the creature’s senses to prevail.

I lowered my hand to the ground, and she saw me. Her head snapped up, and she became a statue. She was waiting for me to move again, but I didn’t. I sat perfectly still.

I looked at her round, black eyes. They never blinked. I saw the coarse, brown fur on her body and the soft white on her chest. She stared right back at me. And we were there for slow minutes, staring. It was like she came there for the same reason. To think about her life. Like this barren lot held all the answers somewhere beneath the concrete. It was like she knew what I was feeling. Like we understood each other.

We sat there staring at each others eyes knowing it wasn’t coincidence.

Finally, she lowered her head, smelled the ground, and walked on. Gradually, smoothly slipping out of my view.

She became indistinct again as she moved away. But just before I lost sight, she turned around and looked at me one more time. She looked in my eyes for a few seconds as if saying “You’ll be ok.” Then she looked away and disappeared.

I couldn’t process what it all meant. But it was a sign, I think. A reminder, maybe. A reminder that we are never alone. A reminder that we can be understood. A reminder that there is something out there.

A reminder that meaning can be found in the strangest places.

Even sitting on a curb in an empty parking lot, smoking cigarettes, wondering what life is.

End Kwote

194 thoughts on “I Wondered What Life Was

  1. Thanks for sharing this link, Andrew. Like I said before even reading, it was good enough to be “Freshly Pressed” before it was “Freshly Pressed.” Someone just happened to notice this time. Believe in yourself. Believe in your talent. It’s big. It’s big now, before anyone “big” realizes it. Believe this and pursue it that way.

    Another wonderful example of your ability to take nothing and make it something. You are the source of the wonder, the way you take in the world. The words are extensions of you that allow the rest of us to see what you see all day, every day, if but in glimpses.

    Lucky us.

    1. It isn’t. It’s a picture of my cork board. I keep all my favorite kwotes on it. It’s grown quite a bit since I took that background picture

  2. PS you don’t need to be understood to be loved 🙂 unconditional love is like a mother loves a child. You’ll find that girl in due time:)

  3. Nature always connects with us but only when we’re paying attention to her feelings. When you hurt like this it leaves you bare yet very approachable. Your writing heightens senses, your talent is writing. I hope your hurt and loneliness fades quickly into happiness again. The pondering thought for me was: “Guys hurt like that too?” Being blindsided is the worst whether it is in a relationship or work related or friendship related. All hurts like hell. I can give you Godly advice but I see you not much into that. So I’ma just give you plain advice. Mind over matter, fill the void with something that makes you feel positive, the real good feeling:) mine is exercise, like reaching a goal everyday puts you on top of the world. Strengths:)

    1. That’s very true. Nature always has a way of presenting some sort of deeper, comforting meaning.

      I appreciate that you noticed that Godly things aren’t really my forte. And I appreciate your advice. It’s all very good.

      Thanks very much for the comment. And thanks for stopping by.

  4. sir i am south Indian and i am a beginner in blogging.when we couple a real incident into what we writes it always look special right?.i believe that girls eyes you mentioned is the soul of this post right?
    Anyway since i am not sure what i writes make sense(i writes simple simple sentences which gives simple simple thoughts) .i stopped writing for a while.i will post few links here if you got time read it and i will be waiting for your suggestions

    And you are from which country?Keep up the good work.god bless.

  5. It is all an illusion,
    A continual dying each moment.
    There is no meaning,
    And ‘alone’ is all that you have.
    Alone and an infinite universe.
    And every so often,
    A sympathetic deer,
    Of course.

    1. And that sympathetic deer,
      So near to my mind,
      Moves on with her life,
      Takes it in stride.
      I strive to be her,
      To let my life defer
      To the fleeting moments
      Of happiness
      And good company.

      Thanks for the read and for the awesome comment.

  6. If I think about it, deer are mute. They don’t make any sound, passive in their nature as if they’re just quite observers sharing only a physical presence in our world. Their nature response to any predatory being is to stop and watch in complete stillness. It is this very opposite style of reaction to turn and flight that intrigues us and calm us. Our house is situated deep inside a plot of 40 acres of woods where herds of deer can often be seen but never heard. Yet it never diminishes the pleasure of surprise whenever I spot one just outside my window.

  7. Reblogged this on Personal Idea and commented:
    Life is a continuum- as place, people, and existence, by philosophy.
    People can associate, and mutually relate, to their choice, and expectation.
    The loss of loved ones, or separation, is seen as a calamity, and should be virtualized, without strong feeling on the personality.
    People should keep calm, avoid sorrow, and try justification, whenever things are upside-down, or against their expectation.
    Thank you.

  8. Mostly I thought where I’d be,
    And now I’m seeing hundreds,
    Just as wondering as me…

    Beautiful piece.

      1. Yes I wrote the triplet!!
        Your piece is mesmerizing!!
        I replied to you long back but I think my reply didn’t reach you before!!
        Thank you so much for appreciation!!
        I’ll read more of your mind, I am sure!!

  9. I just read your post and i love the story. You inspire me to be more positive when it comes to life, specially seeing someone you like with another person aww that would be really awful for me.

    1. Thank you! I’m glad I could help.

      That can be really hard sometimes. Especially I it’s someone you’re very close with (or so you thought). But life has a funny way of reminding you that everything will be ok.

      Thanks for stopping by

  10. Been there before myself. It’s definitely funny how the simplistic things of life often have the most meanings in our lives! Thanks for the post, and keep it up!

  11. It was really beautiful & U were really Lucky to have had the chance to look at life in such a great way..Kudos..

    P.S. Everything will be fine 😉

  12. A beautifully expressed experience. I’m sure that the down times often give rise to something precious, a memory that will outlast the sadness. I’m a great fan of sitting quietly, watching, listening, sensing what’s going on.

  13. Reblogged this on thesweetsaga and commented:
    It’s funny how impressive your friends can be without you even knowing it, and then when you realize it, it just makes you appreciate the fact that they are your friends even more. It’s friends that make life sweet, but it’s learning from them that adds something to your saga. Kudos.

  14. There are many moments in life which you know could be made meaningful if only a camera crew would appear and they could be made into a movie. The trick is to appreciate these moments. The truly morbid can receive pleasure even from tragedy with the thought that they are living a pivotal scene in the movie of their life.

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