A Letter to Biggie Smalls

Dear Mr. Smalls,

You probably don’t know me cause you’re a big star and stuff. And because you’re dead. Which really stinks.

 

But I wanted to write you this letter because I’m a real big fan of yours. Your music makes me feel like I can do anything. Literally, anything. Like drive on the sidewalk and not get in trouble. Or punch the cashier at Starbucks in the face and get away with it. Or steal someone’s lunch right off their plate, throw it on the ground, stomp on it with both feet, and act like it’s completely normal. I wouldn’t do those things, but your music makes me feel like I can. So thanks.

You’re one of my favorite musical artists. You’re just an all around neat guy. But, I think you have a few minor character flaws. Some things you could work on. I wanted to let you know about them just so you’re aware.

First, you shouldn’t smoke marijuana. It’s real bad for you. Do you think your lungs like being filled with dirty drug-smoke? Do you think your brain likes being scrambled with toxic ganja-chemicals? No, I don’t think so. Plus, what kind of message does getting high off grass send to the youths of today? Not a very good one. You’re a role model and you need to consider how your actions might impact children.

Second, you should stop using such foul language. The f-word is very offensive to lots of people. Especially older individuals who might be taking in one of your tunes. There are plenty of alternatives to these dirty words. Perhaps you could say “darn” instead of the f-word. For example, in your song “Gimme the Loot” you say, “Motherf***ing right, my pockets lookin kinda tight.” You could very easily say, “Darn right, my pockets are looking rather tight.”. If you just apply yourself, you can clean things up a bit.

Lastly, you should be nicer to women. I realize that someone in your position probably meets a lot of nice ladies, but you should treat them as people, not objects. I know, I know, you love it when they call you Big Poppa. But sometimes they might not want to call you Big Poppa. They might not even like the nickname Big Poppa. Maybe they prefer to call you by your real name – Christopher George Latore Wallace – instead. Have you ever given that any consideration? Just be nice to the ladies. They’d appreciate it a whole bunch. It’s not a nice thing to play games with the hearts of others, Christopher.

Or do you prefer Chris? Hmm..

If you could just take a little time out of your day to work on these things, I think you’d be a better person. It wouldn’t be hard. Just a few small adjustments. Coming from a loyal fan, it’d be real swell if you could work on them.

Like I said, I’m a great big fan of yours. I really enjoy your tunes. Thanks for being such a cool guy. I hope you enjoy my letter.

Sincerely,

End Kwote