The Story of Creation

Fiction, Humorous, Life

God created mankind in his image; in the image of God he created them; male and female, he created them.

God blessed them and said to them: “Be fertile and multiply.”

Then, a man who was in the presence of God’s booming voice – a bald fellow with short arms, stout legs, and a pot belly – looked up to the Lord, smiled, and answered “Don’t mind if I do.”

The woman who accompanied the man – a slender lady with legs like rivers, skin smooth as butter, and hair more golden than the sun – glared at the man, slapped him sharply on the shoulder, and hissed at him, “You pig.”

The man rubbed away the sting from his shoulder. After the pain was gone, he looked at the woman innocently and grinned. She saw him, innocent and harmless, and smiled back. They laid together in the warmth of the day, content.

God looked at the people he had made, and he found them to be very good.

So good that on the next day, he kicked his feet up, drank beer, and watched football.

Thus the heavens and the earth and all their array were completed.


I’m currently in a religious texts class. As you might imagine, we’re studying the Bible. Since it’s the beginning of the year, we’re still at the front of the good book. And if any of you are familiar with the Bible, you know that the first book is Genesis.

A few days ago, we read the story of creation. As critical as I am of God and religion, I do find the contents of the Bible extremely interesting. Particularly interesting is how the stories are written. Whoever wrote them – and there were various sources – had a style that I very much appreciate.

I was so taken with the story of creation (beginning at Genesis 1:27) that I thought I’d do my own version. After all, any self-respecting fan of a piece of literature has to do one thing and one thing only; write a fan fiction.

Is this how it happened? I have no clue. And really, neither do you. But, I just thought this would be an interesting exercise in creative writing. So, here we are. If this pisses you off for whatever reason, you need to go outside, search high and low, left and right, and underneath any rocks you come across. I’m sure your sense of humor is out there somewhere.

As always, let me know your thoughts and insights.

End Kwote

12 thoughts on “The Story of Creation

  1. I have to dd something. There are 613 commandments in the Old Testament, and the very first one you mentioned in this “episode.” Be fruitful & multiply is commandment #1… had you heard that?

  2. I just finished reading your version. I wonder what my teachers would think of this? It is entertaining, if nothing else, and certainly relevant for our times. In all honesty Andrew, I have also studied the Bible at some length, and was particularly taken with what I was taught about Genesis. Adam, for example, was both male & female- has that been presented to you yet? And the reason God destroyed the world in Noah’s time is that he created mankind to be vegetarian, and they were eating each other- how about that one? I had never heard either one of these. Too bad you cant have our former Rabbi for a teacher. As a person- and as a parent- I find great fault with him, but as a teacher- of any faith- there is none better. He could make the phonebook mesmerizing, and that is NOT an understatement. I couldn’t wait for my next class with him as my teacher. This was a 3 hour weekly class for two years, and I Ioved every minute of it. By the way, Poppy & I were reading several of your excerpts this am & I wanted him to read some of Claire’s too. Did she change her name? When I clicked on Seamlessly Small it said there is no such thing.

  3. Hello End Kwote. Just read your version of creation from Genesis. Interesting. Actually, God has a sense of humor which He reveals now and then in Scripture. Some of His other attributes are love for His creation and Himself, mercy, faithfulness, righteousness, and goodness. His nature and character include eternality, omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence, all within the one God of three persons; the trinity. If you study the Bible in a serious vein, think of it as God’s message to mankind. Yes, it was written over a period of 1500 years, or so, by 40 different authors all chosen by God. He used their own languages, personalities, backgrounds, education (or lack of), cultures, etc. and breathed into them (inspiration) what we need in order to understand who and what He is, and who and what we are. By this time you may be laughing or scoffing. That’s okay, go ahead. Many do. However, God provided you, and all of us, with a message of love, redemption, and His promise of eternal life in His presence based on just one condition…faith. As I mentioned, God has a sense of humor. He is the source of our humor, but His humor ends when man mocks Him and denies Him. As you continue your study you will learn that the Creator of the universe incarnated to become who the world knows as the Son of God, Jesus Christ, Savior. Now’s the time for a real scoff! Jesus expected that and taught that many would scoff and deny Him. But the people who believe Him are promised a wonderful destiny in a glorified state, forgiven and fully acceptable in His heaven. The people who refuse to believe, unfortunately, and by their own choice, have an eternal destiny of separation from God, in a state of remorse; hopeless, with no possibility of return. Religion is man-made, a system of works to please a god that he really does not know. Sometimes people simply give up, being frustrated because they simply cannot live up to the “works” they are taught to comply with. Faith in Christ (Christianity), however, is not a system of works. It is a personal relationship with the One who hung on a cross, suffering and shedding His blood to the point of death for the full satisfaction of the penalty for our sins. It’s a relationship of patience, love, and full dependence on the Creator of all that exists. As you study, End Kwote, give it some serious thought. Keep your mind open to God’s truth, not man’s. We all like to think we have open minds, don’t we? As you study I would recommend you read a book by Josh McDowell titled “A Ready Defense.” McDowell includes the accuracy of Biblical history, archeology, geography, names and dates of people and events, the reliability of the Bible, the uniqueness of the Bible, a comparative analysis of other religions and cults, the humanity and deity of Jesus Christ, and answers questions about God and the Bible and its relevance today. You are entertaining as a writer, but I pray you consider improving your theology through pursuit of God’s truth. Or…you can simply laugh it off. Hope you choose the former.

    Bob Gunn

    1. Thanks for the thoughtful comment Bob,

      First, let me assure you that any study I undertake is done so in a serious vein. I don’t treat education like a joke, and my religious texts class is no exception.

      Bob, I have no idea what God is. And honestly, I don’t think anyone can claim to. Not even those who wrote the Bible. If there is a truly omnipotent God, one who is everywhere, all the time, doing an unimaginable amount of things, there is no possible way to put a personality to It. Being everywhere and creating everything – making sure the whole damn thing functions – are things that aren’t possible for a being that is recognizable to our minds. I realize that I’m going off on a bit of an opinionated track here, but what I’m saying is that really, truly, no one knows what God is besides the people who may (or may not) have seen him in the afterlife. And unfortunately, those people aren’t quite capable of writing about their experiences.

      My point is that it’s entirely possible that God created mankind just as I’ve laid out here. Is it probable, maybe not. But possible, absolutely. No one can say for sure, Bob.

      Again, I do appreciate your comment, and I don’t laugh or scoff at anything said with genuine thought behind it. Thank you for your time and insight

  4. I would refer you to Jonathan Goldstein’s book “Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible!” excerpted on This American Life in the program “Starting From Scratch (Act 3)”
    A sample:
    “In the beginning, when Adam was first created, he spent whole days rubbing his face in the grass. He picked his ear until it bled, tried to fit his fist in his mouth, and yanked out tufts of his own hair. At one point, he tried to pinch his own eyes out in order to examine them, and God had to step in.”

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