I woke up today.
After I set my feet on the ground, I wondered, why do I get to place my feet on the ground? Why do I get to wake up, here, today? Why do I get to breathe, talk, eat, live?
But then I realized that these questions are silly, and that no amount of pondering or wondering will bring me closure. I called myself stupid, and got in the shower.
There’s something about a shower that makes life seem infinitely clear. The steady breath of the shower head, the warm water hitting your neck, and tiny droplets splitting into tinier droplets and finding other water to latch on to in a continuous cycle of division and cohesion. The shower is where the world’s problems are solved, I think.
So I stood. And I thought.
I thought about work and what a terribly unattractive, boring concept it is. The word itself implies that it’s a laborious task, one to be completed without enjoyment. I thought about how I’ve never heard someone say the sentence, “I have to work tomorrow,” without contempt in their tone.
I thought about life, and how the things we want to do and the things we perceive as necessary are rarely one and the same. I thought about how people always tell you to follow your heart, even though doing so is many times irrational. I thought about the rest of my life and whether I’ll choose to follow the path of rationality or passion.
I thought about how God awful fucking miserable it would be to sit behind a desk for the rest of my days. Whatever I do, I pray that it isn’t that.
Then, I thought about nothing. I closed my eyes, and I breathed and lived in blissful nothingness. I love thinking about nothing.
I stood there for fifteen minutes, barely existing. I let the water put things where they should be.
But eventually, it came to an end.
I turned around, placed my pruney hand on the shower knob, and pressed in.
I stood there for a moment, dripping. Everything was quiet except for the droplets falling off my body.
I stood there, and I finally thought about something again. I came back into my skin.
I thought about how I woke up today. I thought about how that made me glad. But at the same time, sad. Because I might never know why.